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Jan. 20th, 2008

I Am Condemned...

So, finally in almost two years I have an update...

Life sucks...seriously...I mean, I thought it was okay but really it wasn't. The last month has just been utterly terrible downfall after downfall. I have two shitty-ass jobs that pay minimum wage & I have three fucking degrees. I've been up and down like usual (thank you very much Bipolar Disorder), but just over this last month I've been dropping like a piece of lead in water. I'm doing terrible terrible, but I'm just not here.

And last night it just hit...

Complications arise & subdue...

So yeah...in other words, I cause my own heartache...for example:

So there is this recent situation that I have cause for my own self & to most people it may seem silly, but its just the tip of the iceberg. I've really started liking these two girls that I work with. First of all, I really don't know if either feels any liking towards me, but in someways that is not the problem. They are both friends, good friends and last night at a gathering of good times I happened to end up cuddled next to one of them. We brushed hands and very briefly held hands a little...I know it sounds Sophomoric/High School-ish, but it was nice. But sooner then later, things felt awkward and it was time for me to leave. I left feeling like I had gotten too close and that she thinks I'm a freak. Me being so insecure with myself texted her in my stupidity that I liked her and that she was awesome and that if I in anyway made her feel awkward, that i was an idiot. I probably made things worse...but I guess that is just want my life has become; awkward, insignificant, and nothing. I have this tendency to make things worse or just tear down myself...

So, what now...I feel terrible. Like maybe it will turn back on me at work and just ruin the fact that I felt like I had made some friends. I guess, even though I have always been an outside and kind of liked that, I want to be somehow accepted by the other people who also consider themselves outsiders. Is that too much to ask for?

Anyway, I've probably ruined something between me and both of the two ladies. Which I don't know why I care about that much, but I do.

I'm a sad, sad human being...

"I Am Condemned"

Give up your heartache
In order to destroy them all
We have suffered
And been sent to be condemned
Replace our hearts with hate

Eye for a fucking eye
Life for a fucking life

Destroy the weak
As every prophets smile
And we will rise into the night
Eye for an eye
Life for a life

Walk among the dead
That are coming for you
We are coming for you
We are coming for you

I am condemned to nothing
I am condemned to die
I am condemned
We are all condemned

Soul-departed and dead

Walk among the dead
That are coming for you
We are coming for you
We are coming for you

I am condemned to nothing
I am condemned to die
I am condemned
We are all condemned

Eye for a fucking eye
We take it back for the hopeless
And the romantic
Life for a fucking life
Rising in numbers never to be slaves
And take back our disabled hearts

It has been awhile...

Been awhile since I've been on here...big update coming sometime...other then that, life and love confused the shit out of me...

Oct. 2nd, 2007

Its been awhile...so here are things in a nutshell

Life is good. I'm still looking for a better paying job. Life could always be better, but damn...it could be worse.

Jun. 8th, 2007

"I am hate, darkness, & despair..."

I have just realized the power of Finnish Black Metal...Dimmu Borgir's newest album, In Sorte Diaboli, is just pounding full of pure blackness and hatred. It is so refreshing that it makes me want to go out and declare war on all the hypocrites & haters in the world that have oppressed those who are different. I advise picking up a copy of this wonderful album and blowing away your mind.

May. 28th, 2007

I Realized Something...I HEART WARTBURG!!!!

Even with all the crap that when on at Wartburg with people in general, I really miss that place. I sat there Sunday watching Andrea graduate, holding back tears because I was so happy for her, that I really miss Wartburg. I miss the feeling of home that I made for myself there. I miss my friends that grew so much with me, that cried with me, that drank with me, that played weird and interesting games with. I miss the feeling of being just safe and sound. Wartburg was, of course, my home for four years. Every time I go back I just want to stay longer and longer.

I, however, cannot say that about St. Ambrose. That place is evil in someway. People there weren't necessarily friendly and even though I did make some good friends there, St. Ambrose is not the place for me. Its tainted. Its not open and accepting, at least not like Wartburg was and still is in many ways. I will never take back my experiences from Wartburg. I will cherish them forever, especially the friends.

I will always have a place in my heart for Wartburg.

May. 23rd, 2007

My Own Hell

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle I Limbo

The Pope
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Militant Vegans, Rednecks
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Circle IV Rolling Weights

General asshats
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Bill Gates
Circle VII Burning Sands

Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

George Bush
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

May. 11th, 2007

(no subject)

You are The Hierophant

Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.

All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

May. 10th, 2007

"I am a human machine..."

The year is officially over. No more tests, no more drama (hopefully). No more shit being handed to me by anyone at all. This summer should be good to just recooperate from my lapse back into Social Anxiety and Depression. I want to come out of this summer with people coming back to SAU and just in general knowing that I can be a better person to myself. I burnt a lot of bridges, but I'm going to work on building some new ones with some people. I just first need to get past my anxieties and insecurities; getting back to being confident about myself again which is the one thing I really lost over the last few months.

I want to move past what happened over this last months.

I've slowly adopted more and more Nietzschian ideals into my life. For one thing, I have to get back to realizing and accepting my faults like my axieties and insecurities in order to break through them. I need to really work on being better to myself in order for me to be that person that everyone knows I can be. I know I can be must stronger than I have been. I just enslaved myself to my emotions and didn't allow for myself to be myself.

On that note, I have also adopted Nihilism as my philosophy. The idea of nothing is really appealing to me, something that Nietzsche and Kierkegaard really express. That nothing or nihil is the background of our existence. That without God, we are truly free to act according to our subjective desires and needs. I'm going to work on not allowing people to control me anymore like I have. I need to take responsibility for my actions and move past my mistakes. I need to focus on what makes me unique again and what attracts people like Andrea, Brost, and others to me. I can do this...

Apr. 29th, 2007

How Could I Possible Make Anything Worse?

After getting into a row with Em about stupid shit that we shouldn't have argued about...my anxiety is going through the roof. I have just made things worse for me by 100fold...I need to stop doing that to me.

My meds are giving me fits. I go from being stable, to sad, to angry, to hostile, to frustrated, to anxious, to whatever in a matter of minutes. Someone please...I don't think I take much more of this roller-coaster...I'm going to ruin everything if it keeps going this way. I can't even sit for too long to write this without my body convulsing and twitching and shaking. I just feel so pent-up and I have no way to let it out.

Apr. 27th, 2007

My Daemon

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