Vashgard: Slayor of All

So, finally in almost two years I have an update...

Life sucks...seriously...I mean, I thought it was okay but really it wasn't. The last month has just been utterly terrible downfall after downfall. I have two shitty-ass jobs that pay minimum wage & I have three fucking degrees. I've been up and down like usual (thank you very much Bipolar Disorder), but just over this last month I've been dropping like a piece of lead in water. I'm doing terrible terrible, but I'm just not here.

And last night it just hit...

Complications arise & subdue...

So yeah...in other words, I cause my own heartache...for example:

So there is this recent situation that I have cause for my own self & to most people it may seem silly, but its just the tip of the iceberg. I've really started liking these two girls that I work with. First of all, I really don't know if either feels any liking towards me, but in someways that is not the problem. They are both friends, good friends and last night at a gathering of good times I happened to end up cuddled next to one of them. We brushed hands and very briefly held hands a little...I know it sounds Sophomoric/High School-ish, but it was nice. But sooner then later, things felt awkward and it was time for me to leave. I left feeling like I had gotten too close and that she thinks I'm a freak. Me being so insecure with myself texted her in my stupidity that I liked her and that she was awesome and that if I in anyway made her feel awkward, that i was an idiot. I probably made things worse...but I guess that is just want my life has become; awkward, insignificant, and nothing. I have this tendency to make things worse or just tear down myself...

So, what now...I feel terrible. Like maybe it will turn back on me at work and just ruin the fact that I felt like I had made some friends. I guess, even though I have always been an outside and kind of liked that, I want to be somehow accepted by the other people who also consider themselves outsiders. Is that too much to ask for?

Anyway, I've probably ruined something between me and both of the two ladies. Which I don't know why I care about that much, but I do.

I'm a sad, sad human being...

"I Am Condemned"

Give up your heartache
In order to destroy them all
We have suffered
And been sent to be condemned
Replace our hearts with hate

Eye for a fucking eye
Life for a fucking life

Destroy the weak
As every prophets smile
And we will rise into the night
Eye for an eye
Life for a life

Walk among the dead
That are coming for you
We are coming for you
We are coming for you

I am condemned to nothing
I am condemned to die
I am condemned
We are all condemned

Broken-hearted
Broken-hearted
Soul-departed and dead

Walk among the dead
That are coming for you
We are coming for you
We are coming for you

I am condemned to nothing
I am condemned to die
I am condemned
We are all condemned

Eye for a fucking eye
We take it back for the hopeless
And the romantic
Life for a fucking life
Rising in numbers never to be slaves
And take back our disabled hearts

Been awhile since I've been on here...big update coming sometime...other then that, life and love confused the shit out of me...

Life is good. I'm still looking for a better paying job. Life could always be better, but damn...it could be worse.

I have just realized the power of Finnish Black Metal...Dimmu Borgir's newest album, In Sorte Diaboli, is just pounding full of pure blackness and hatred. It is so refreshing that it makes me want to go out and declare war on all the hypocrites & haters in the world that have oppressed those who are different. I advise picking up a copy of this wonderful album and blowing away your mind.

Even with all the crap that when on at Wartburg with people in general, I really miss that place. I sat there Sunday watching Andrea graduate, holding back tears because I was so happy for her, that I really miss Wartburg. I miss the feeling of home that I made for myself there. I miss my friends that grew so much with me, that cried with me, that drank with me, that played weird and interesting games with. I miss the feeling of being just safe and sound. Wartburg was, of course, my home for four years. Every time I go back I just want to stay longer and longer.

I, however, cannot say that about St. Ambrose. That place is evil in someway. People there weren't necessarily friendly and even though I did make some good friends there, St. Ambrose is not the place for me. Its tainted. Its not open and accepting, at least not like Wartburg was and still is in many ways. I will never take back my experiences from Wartburg. I will cherish them forever, especially the friends.

I will always have a place in my heart for Wartburg.

You are The Hierophant

Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.

All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

The year is officially over. No more tests, no more drama (hopefully). No more shit being handed to me by anyone at all. This summer should be good to just recooperate from my lapse back into Social Anxiety and Depression. I want to come out of this summer with people coming back to SAU and just in general knowing that I can be a better person to myself. I burnt a lot of bridges, but I'm going to work on building some new ones with some people. I just first need to get past my anxieties and insecurities; getting back to being confident about myself again which is the one thing I really lost over the last few months.

I want to move past what happened over this last months.

I've slowly adopted more and more Nietzschian ideals into my life. For one thing, I have to get back to realizing and accepting my faults like my axieties and insecurities in order to break through them. I need to really work on being better to myself in order for me to be that person that everyone knows I can be. I know I can be must stronger than I have been. I just enslaved myself to my emotions and didn't allow for myself to be myself.

On that note, I have also adopted Nihilism as my philosophy. The idea of nothing is really appealing to me, something that Nietzsche and Kierkegaard really express. That nothing or nihil is the background of our existence. That without God, we are truly free to act according to our subjective desires and needs. I'm going to work on not allowing people to control me anymore like I have. I need to take responsibility for my actions and move past my mistakes. I need to focus on what makes me unique again and what attracts people like Andrea, Brost, and others to me. I can do this...

After getting into a row with Em about stupid shit that we shouldn't have argued about...my anxiety is going through the roof. I have just made things worse for me by 100fold...I need to stop doing that to me.

My meds are giving me fits. I go from being stable, to sad, to angry, to hostile, to frustrated, to anxious, to whatever in a matter of minutes. Someone please...I don't think I take much more of this roller-coaster...I'm going to ruin everything if it keeps going this way. I can't even sit for too long to write this without my body convulsing and twitching and shaking. I just feel so pent-up and I have no way to let it out.

I may not be quite as down as I was Friday...but man, I haven't been able to recuperate very quickly here.

I'm in a fog.  I'm lost and confused.  Everything I seem to touch really does turn to dust.  I don't see happiness.  I don't see it...I want to, but I have never truly been happy.

I don't have anything of my own.  I did, but its gone.  I feel like I have accomplished nothing at all.  I've lost more then I have ever really gained.

Every time I seem to fine some sliver of happiness, its gone in a matter of moments.

I push those I care about away from me...even when I don't intend to.  Katie M. tells me that Em doesn't hate me and she needs her space; but what does that really translate to: I've lost another person & friend that I care about forever.

I know everyone will tell me it was meant to be or that I should just give it time.  But now, I don't have anyone around here.

I have many friends everywhere else; Andrea is miles away, but I do know I can count on here; Brost is in another country; Audrey, for some strange reason cares more about me and I haven't seen here in such a long time; JJ and others at Wartburg are there, but I can't just get up and go see them; Maura, but I don't want to bother her with my problems.

And what do I have here?  I had someone here, but I stupidly push them out of my life & away from me.  God, I'm such a idiot & worthless.

Why can't I be happy?

I'm going to get help...finally...after losing some more people in my life that I cared about and pushing them away.  Thanks Chris for yelling at me.  Thanks Andrea for always being there no matter what when I needed you.  Thanks...

"Why was that so very difficult?"

The last few days have been probably the worst days of my last month.  I hit lower Sunday then I had even right after Emily broke up with me.  There was no reason why I did, I just did.  I felt infected, diseased, and to blame for my situation.  I wanted to die, many times over.  I worried about my friendship with Emily and disregarded myself.  I drove myself lower into an abyss of despair and depression, punishing myself for my own sins.  I saw myself as un-savable and lost.  Yet, these words:

"I wanted only to try to live in accord with the promptings which came from my true self.  Why was that so very difficult?"

rang very true inside me.  This last month, before and after Emily broke up with me, I have failed to live according to my own self.  I've neglected myself and allowed myself to ruled by the passions of others.

I became a slave to my depression.  Believing that I was destined to suffer for my sins, which have been created by others around me.  I allowed myself to become consumed with "the crowd's" beliefs and morals.  I forgot who I really was, who I really am.  I focused on my past experiences as if I sought to change them.  I have failed in that respect, because the past cannot be changed.  I can only do and in doing in the future can I correct the failures in the past.

I have not known myself as Nietzsche would have believed is needed.  I have failed to accept my faults and deeds as my own, forgetting my responsibility and place.  I have accepted the terms that others have given me, have in fact forced upon me.  I allowed my passions to be ruled by what others thought, not by what I believed.  I became a slave to their whims, their desires.  Forgetting who I was that made me special, wanting to fit in, be accepted by Emily and others.

I resented my life by allowing my pain, my misfortunes, and faults to fester in me; allowing them to control my emotions, my life.  I became the worst kind of human being, a spineless coward who sought to hide away from himself by seeking the contentment within others.  I have not lived to my own accord, but to the accord of others.  I negated my "will to live" with the acceptance of others views.

What does this mean to my life now?  I must accept that I am my own creator.  God is, in many ways, dead to me.  I must accept the responsibility on myself of the things that have gone wrong.  I must use my experiences to re-create myself as a better person, one who does not allow his depression to rule, but accepts his depression as part of his self.  I accept my faults, my depression, my failures; for they are part of me as they are apart of anyone.  For if I deny any part of myself, I will resent myself and allow myself to be controlled by others passions.  I am unique.  I am special.  I am somehow stronger then anyone else.

I worried too much about my friendship with Emily.  I allowed it to consume me, a need to be accepted by someone else.  I forgot that I was often happier during the Winter Term at Wartburg with no relationship or desire to be accepted by others.  I allowed myself to truly be free, accepted my freedom and who I was.  This does not mean that I don't care about Emily and our friendship, I do immensely, but I must place myself first...anything afterwards including my friendship with Emily is secondary.  I cannot allow Emily's acceptance or un-acceptance control me.  I must show her and anyone else my strengths, the true self that I am.  I must attain self-affirmation and knowledge.

I have no need to be accepted by anyone.  I need only to accept myself as I am.  I have my friends that are dedicated to me because they truly know me as I am.  That I'm a faithful, true ally.  A friend that will stick by others in the dearest of times.  I am much more then the person I have shown over the last few months, I am not as easily destroyed.  I must will myself to life, to power, to existence.  An existence that is not dictated to me, but is created, invented by me.  I was allowing that existence to be created by others, but their concepts and ideal.  I forgot what was important to me.  What my dreams are.  I denied my fate and destiny, trying to mold it around whether I was accepted by others.

This does not mean I do not care about Emily.  I do, very much so.  She is an amazing person, with so much potential and beauty inside and out.  But if I allow myself to be controlled by her emotions, her actions, I will have lost the chance to show her and everyone else myself as is.  If she doesn't accept me as I am, then that is not my fault but hers.  I maybe emotionally unstable, easily depressed and bipolar, but that is who I am.  But I am also great, intelligent, more powerful then my mental disease in me...I will myself to so much more.

What I do is what mattered?  And what I did this last month was let my depression and insecurity and worries take control of my life.  What I do now to change this is up to me?  And what will I do know?  I will do what I should have done in the first place...be myself.  Be a friend to Emily and others.  Be a human-being.  I will myself to be great, to be unbroken.

I must know myself, attain self-knowledge.  I must accept my place in this world as being absurd.  My spirit will not be broken now, for I have come to far to allow myself to fall so far down.  I must pick myself up by my figurative bootstraps and face who I am, my struggles, my victories, and my failures.  For if I do not do this, I will lose myself completely.

I dedicate this resurgence in me to my friends: Andrea, Brost, Heller, Zay, Tambra, Katie Duffus, Audrey, and even Emily who has told me that I should do this many times.  I was just too afraid to listen to the truth within me, my struggle, my dreams, and my desires.

I'm still not doing to good.  I'm still down and out.  Lost and confused.  I'm drowning.  Feeling betrayed and abandoned.  But I'm going to try to use today to rebound out of this funk that hit me hard Sunday night.

I'm not going to classes today, not until around 2 for Existentialism.

I need to stop worrying about things.  Like, for example, whether or not Em is going to stay my friend.  If I worry about it, I am going to end up driving myself down further holes and I will treat her horribly.  I'm going to try to avoid her, except for classes and when we have scheduled events together.  I don't want to be a bother to her or anyone else and I know that I am...an annoyance.

I need the summer to get here.  I need space from school and Em and from everything.  I need to just sit around and work things out again like I had for the last few years.  I had come to recognize my disorder better and if it hadn't been for certain events happening over the last month I would have been okay, a lot of stuff just triggered all this to occur and I have had a really bad relapse.  I'm feeling stressed and anxious about everything.  I want to come back after the summer and be able to have that grasp I had on my emotions again and be able to treat Em as a better friend then I am now.

I'm such a terrible person and friend.  I push everyone that I care about away when I get like this.  I can't understand why anyone would want to put up with me and if Em or anyone else walks away from me, I would understand.  I'm not worth anyone's time and effort...

So my short lived happiness phase has come and gone.  I'm utterly shitty tonight.  I hate myself right now again.  I feel terrible and I can't stop crying.  God, I'm a such a mess...why can't I just stay positive.

I want to die...I severely want to die tonight.  Everything just seems like it is falling down around me.  I fear that I'm losing everything I care about.  I can't stop seeing myself as losing it all.

I have nothing to hope for...

Why do I even care?

Why do I even try?

I'm a terrible friend to Em, Andrea, and everyone else...why wouldn't it be better to die...everyone would be better off, wouldn't you?

Come on...be truthful...don't lie...

I wish I was gone so I wouldn't bother anyone again...

I feel very insignificant...

I haven't felt this light-hearted in almost a month...and to express this I will now play you a simple song via placing the lyrics here on lj.

Reborn by: Stuck Mojo

Attitude adjustments
Everything's clear
Bringing in a new life
So I have plenty of fears
Feelin' all good about my groove right now
Positive energies all around, wow!
People use the debt, try to sale
We survive like a Rocky bout
Ill feelins not me
Do I hold a grudge, you can be the judge

Now they keep talkin' bout this crazy world we're livin' in
I'm like a Phoenix reborn to rock on
It ain't over to the trooper, but Mojo lives on
Now they keep talkin' bout it, how sensitive to the skin

New visions, live my life reborn, life as I know it

Nothing to have
Another life I'd live
I learn from all the silly things I did
I learn from all the crazy things I did

Light at the end of my tunnel
Forming the funnel
Storm blown over getting drenched like
Got ink on my covers
Start brand new revived my groove
Looking for that push ready
So I can feed my seed to grow like me
And live care free
Set the foundations all around the nation
Same town, same place, just different station



There is something invigorating about these lyrics everytime I have listened to them.  They have helped me through some really tough times.  I advise that if you get a chance, download or simply find a copy of the album this song is on, listen to it and you might understand how it might make you feel more confident about yourself.

The album is Declaration of a Headhunter by: Stuck Mojo...

I hate that feeling of being utterly alone...like you will never find that one person you will spend your life with.

*sigh*

I know, there is still plenty of time to find someone.  Its just one of those nights, home alone and bored on a night not long ago I had planned on spending with Em, that I'm feeling such.

But I do have to say, that since this weekend, adopting the policy of not allowing the little things bother me as much is working fairly well.  I'm still very insecure in general, but I'm working on just breathing and not thinking about my paranoid delusions.  Its hard to get passed that, especially since I'm such a pessimist and cynic.  Its hard for me to see past the bleakness in people to seeing that they are being genuine.  But as a friend has told me, being optimistic is a kind of disease.  I'm working on it slowly...

I've also slowly come accept some Nietzsche-ian and Hesse-ian ideals.  I need to be more confident and less insecure.  I need to work passed all this depression as I had before these last few weeks and if I can do it once, then I can do it again.

This weekend has been pretty good overall.  I took a step back from my depression and dealt with it.  I can't say I'm not depressed right now, but I'm breathing a little bit easier.  I was allowing my insecurities get the best of me and if it continued that way I would have lost a lot.  I just hope certain people understand that and I'm trying to stay optimistic.

I'm not perfect...

I've decided that in order to make sure I don't go down the road of being overbearing and overly depressed that I've got to lay off being worried and paranoid whether or not Em will be my friend.  I have to breathe and take it easy or I am going to drive those who I care about away, Em being one of them.

I just have to step back...let things relax and it will all work out in time.

This doesn't mean I'm not worried about whether or not Em will stay my friend, it just means I've got to back off from bothering her or I will lose that friendship.

Life is too complicated for all this shit...it needs a fucking instruction booklet or some shit like that.

"xBishopx basically owns your face..." - xBishopx